I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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