One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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