Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
