Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
