dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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