I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
