I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
