my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize