Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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