I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
