I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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