Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
