you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
