i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
