Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher