I accidentally burped into my bong.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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