I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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