I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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