my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
