You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
