I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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