Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
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Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
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And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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