the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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