i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
