It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
