Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
