there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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