Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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