i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
