I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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