y did u give ur computer a hand job?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
