My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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