good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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