Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
