Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
