Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
