At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
