He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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