stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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