So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
