New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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