Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
