Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
