dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
is it fun? or sober?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
