i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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