Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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