i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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