Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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