in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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