i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
