1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
