I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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