The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
