i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
